Mello's New Toy
by Scorpion29
Summary: Mello got a new toy for Christmas and wreaks havoc with it at the school. Just as pointless as it seems, but amusing. Crackfic.


Ok, this is my first ever Deathnote fic and I think that it starts off really great and sort of ends lame, so enjoy the beginning, I LOVE IT!

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Mello's New Toy

"L!" a little boy with a mop of brown hair cried as he dashed down the hall toward the great detective's room. "L!"

He skidded around the corner and almost slammed into the opposite wall, but managed to avoid it. Instead he ploughed into the taller form of L. Panting; he raised his head to gaze up into the black eyes of his idol, his own pale grey eyes wide.

"What's wrong Remington?" L asked calmly, removing the steadying hands from his shoulders.

"It's a hostage situation! He's got them all trapped in the bathroom!" Remington gasped out; throwing an arm out behind him to point in the general direction of the facility he was talking about.

"Who has taken hostages?" L questioned and the little boy shook his head wildly.

"There's no time!" he squeaked, grabbing the detective and tugging him behind him. "He reverse hogtied Matt when he tried to stop him and no one knows where Near is! He said he's not going to let anyone out alive!"

"Remington," L sighed following the boy at a fast clip. "Who has them trapped in the bathroom?"

"Who do you think!? The scariest one of them all! The terror of the school! The nightmare to everyone's dreams!" Remington cried, dashing into one of the bedrooms.

There on the floor was a young boy in what looked to be one of the most uncomfortable positions in the world, tears of anger and distress streaked down his cheeks. Impressions from his goggles still circled his green eyes that were fixed on the DS that was a foot away playing the music that signaled that his character had just died. His lanky body was tipped on its side, his bare hands and feet tied together behind his back with a series of complicated knots in a length of rope. With the added effect of his stripped shirt, he looked like a convict.

"Matt!" Remington hollered. "I brought L!"

"I told you to untie me yourself!" the auburn haired boy shouted back. "Because of you I just failed!"

"But he said he'd kill me if I let you loose," the younger boy said meekly.

"Who?" L demanded crouching down and working on the tight knots.

"Mello," Matt growled. "I should never have gotten him that thing for Christmas!" Soon the gamer was free and he scrambled over to his game, patting his pockets looking for something before he scowled. "I forgot he took them. He is so dead once I beat this level."

"Remington, take me to where Mello is," L ordered and the brunette scurried out of the room to that floor's bathroom. Before they even came into sight they could hear the blonde yelling.

"I know that one of you bedwetting rug eaters has it! Fork it over!" the distinct voice of the competitive second best child snarled.

"Mello," L called rounding the corner and was startled to see the compact blond dressed in his usual long sleeved black shirt, but in a pair of camouflage pants that were not his with a heavy pair of combat boots. In his gloved hands was a small black rifle with a laser sight on top, Matt's goggles over his ice blue eyes.

"Traitors die!" Mello hissed and Remington's eyes widened as the rifle was lifted and the red dot appeared right over his heart. The report of the rifle was heard and red blossomed across the youth's chest seconds before L crashed into him carrying the two behind a wall and out of the line of fire where the blond was muttering and turning back to the closed door.

"I-I'm-" the brunette gasped, clutching at his chest, his grey eyes filled with fear. "I'm a goner L, save yourself!" With those last words the young boy's eyes fluttered shut and his frame went limp.

A puzzled look crossed L's face as he examined the entrance wound, it was one that he had never before seen in his life. After a few moments of prodding the deceased boy's chest comprehension dawned on the detective's face and he rolled his eyes. Patting Remington on the head, he drew himself up and slouched over to the corner to observe what Mello was doing.

The blue eyed terror was pointing the gun to where L would emerge as he slammed the covered vent door shut on the three packs of lit cigarettes. His intentions were to try and smoke the trapped children into surrendering to him for that particular vent led only into the bathroom. Catching movement out of the corner of his eye he fired his weapon rapidly, throwing himself to the side and rolling. He came up and fired again as L ducked back behind the wall. There was a scrabbling noise as he reloaded his empty magazine.

"No one is coming to help you to fight!" Mello yelled at the cowering students. "You're on your own! You have no friends.(1)"

Sighing and scratching his head L decided that this had gone on long enough and that certain sacrifices needed to be made. After another moment he burst around the corner and sprinted for the armed blonde. Roaring in anger the slender student fired the gun until it was empty, each shot hitting its target, but L kept coming. L plowed into the maniac slamming him into the floor, his gun flying from his hand and skittering across the ground.

"No! No! I will not lose! They deserve this! They brought this upon themselves! The scum shall pay!" Mello screamed, ripping at the red soaked shirt on his elder's back. "Give it back to me you pus filled boils on the ass of society!"

"Mello calm down," L told him and the blond continued to thrash back and forth. "Children, you can come out of the bathroom."

Slowly, the door creaked open and out tumbled five or six younger children who were coughing, and not in good shape. One or two of them were crying and none of them would approach the nearly foaming Mello.

"Oh no!" a small girl with red pigtails wailed. "He got Remy! And L's wounded!" She then promptly burst into tears.

"Calm down Mello," L repeated and Mello glowered up at the darker man with wild eyes.

"Never give up! Never surrender!(2)" he snarled in reply and L began to restrain him with the same rope he had Matt.

"L," a small boy whispered. "He's got Near somewhere."

"Mello," L said warningly. "Where is Near?"

"The egg sucking coward of an albino freak will never be found!" Mello yelled.

"Gwen, go get me the gun," L said to the only girl who wasn't crying, as he stripped out of his shirt revealing no entrance wounds of any kind.

"Here you go L," Gwen mumbled handing him the very light-weight rifle.

"Thank you Gwen," L thanked her as he took the gun from him and ran his finger up the barrel collecting sticky red goo and popping it in his mouth.

"Cherry sauce," L murmured. "Marshmallows. You thought you could take over the school with a toy gun that fires marshmallows and cherry sauce?"

"I plead the fifth," Mello informed the gaunt man.

"Why did you want to take over the school?" L questioned.

"I didn't want to take over the school," Mello said sullenly, squirming in his bonds.

"Then what did you want to do?" L was confused, his brain whirling a mile a minute trying to work out the puzzle of the insane young man before him.

"They took what was mine," Mello snapped. "I was getting it back."

"Did any of you take anything of Mello's?" L asked the small group behind them and they all shook their heads collectively.

"Liars!" Mello barked at them and they all flinched.

"Mello, just tell me what's going on," L coaxed gently.

"Live well, die free,(3)" Mello retorted.

"Mello, where are my cigarettes…" Matt trailed off as he caught a whiff of the burning cigarettes. "Mello!"

"Sacrifices are necessary in times like these Matt," Mello sniffed, turning his head away from the indignant gamer.

"I found it," Matt growled, flinging a wrapped chocolate bar into the warring blonde's lap. "It was in your sock drawer."

"What was it doing in there?" Mello demanded suspiciously.

"Last week you went anal and thought that Near was after your chocolate and you hid it in various spots all over the room while you thought I was sleeping. I was playing my game under the blankets with the sound off," Matt explained.

"Oh, ok." Mello shrugged.

"Where's Near, Mello?" L repeated his previous question.

"But indeed, if you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stair, into the lobby," Mello quoted.

"Hamlet!" Remington exclaimed, bouncing up from his downed position.

"Act IV," Gwen added.

"Means he's dead," Matt finished.

"Who's dead?" a soft voice queried and all but Mello turned to find Near standing behind them twirling his hair on his finger.

Mello sliced the ropes with the knife he had hidden in his boot and started munching on his chocolate as Mr. Whammy ran into the hall.

"What's this about a hostage situation?!"

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(1) Les Miserables

(2)Galaxy Quest

(3)Scorpion King

Reviewing keeps me writing.


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